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Deli counters of the world -- listen up.

For as long as I can Watch The Fearless Onlineremember (about two years, since I no longer remember anything before Trump), wraps have been positioned near the apex of the lunch hierarchy. I cannot tell you the number of corporate seminars I've attended where low sodium, corn-heavy, semi-frozen veggie wraps were the only lunch item offered. Heads of HR told us we should be grateful for them because they were free and because they were healthy. What a lie.

America is already great, sure, but I must admit it was a little bit better in the pre-chicken caesar salad wrap era, when hearty hero sandwiches were king.

Twitter mobs, forget whatever you're working on today. It's time we put our political differences aside and work collectively to destroy this second-rate, faux-sandwich charlatan.

Wraps have been around since the dawn of time, just in far superior form. Boston Red Sox Bobby Valentine manager claims to have invented the wrap in 1992 and he, uh, definitely did not. The wrap's ancestors are in Greece, Mexico and the Middle East -- not in Stamford, Connecticut, the home of Valentine's infamous sports bar/wrap restaurant. (Can you imagine a more horrible fusion than that?)

Wraps took off in the 1980s thanks to Bobby Valentine, as well as Sam's Falafel in Boston and I Love Juicy, a California chain. For a generation that grew up with mayo and white bread, wraps were a radical new sandwich alternative. They had the veneer of being healthy, though they most certainly were not, with all the traditional, miserable, mayo-drenched sandwich fillings.

My parent's generation should be forgiven for thinking that wraps were an acceptable lunchtime entree. My mother grew up on a steady diet of Wonder bread turkey sandwiches. She thought American cheese was an acceptable cheese to eat un-melted. She's traumatized for chrissakes. Give these people a break.

Wraps should have died in the '00s, when fast casual chains like Panera and Cosi took off, bringing high quality bread to the uncouth suburban masses. #NeverthlessTheyPersisted. Every shitty internship I had in the '00s was located next to an equally shitty deli offering 100 different types of wraps. Each wrap was cut into sad little halves, putting us all at risk of lunchtime-Induced depression.

There is one only thing more demoralizing than ordering a veggie wrap for lunch -- that's eating half of one for dietary purposes.

What makes the wrap so diabolical? Oh my tender, innocent, little reader, let me count the ways:

1. An excess of shredded carrots. What do wraps have against more marginalized vegetables, including peas, microgreens, and nicely dressed kale?

2. An over-reliance on the chicken caesar wrap.

Chicken caesar salads were doing just fine on their own before wraps, thank you very much.

3. Wraps themselves have been bleached of all flavor. Imagine you took a piece of fax paper and soaked it in a pool of water you found underneath an air conditioning unit. That's a wrap.

4. Far too much eggplant. Full disclosure -- I am the proud president of CAE (Citizens Against Eggplant). Our research will consistently show, once we conduct it, that wraps consist of way too much eggplant and not nearly enough delicious cheese chunks or meat scraps.

5. An over-abundance or corn kernels from the can. Corn didn't ask for this! It belongs on a cob.

6. One measly piece of romaine lettuce that somehow takes up the entire wrap.

7. A strange insistence on buffalo chicken. Why do bad things happen to good pieces of meat?

8. Wraps try to piggyback off the deliciousness of burritos.

Here's a formula I like to use when describing the difference between burritos and wraps.

Burritos = good

Wraps = bad

Wraps are exactly like burritos if you took everything good out of them. They lack refried beans, sour cream, and any flavor besides a single, sad grain of salt.

People will tell you they're related, but wraps abandoned the good sandwich family a long time ago, back when they introduced spinach wraps. Don't you dare group them together.

9. There's never enough mayo, and far too much roasted red pepper hummus.

😢

10. The wrap is branded as healthy, and nothing could be further from the truth.Wraps contain just as many carbohydrates as bread and 0% of the deliciousness or glamour. Why sink your teeth into an emaciated wrap skeleton when you can have full-bodied bread?

I'm not here to lecture anyone on their lunch choices. I would just like to casually suggest that wraps are an inferior lunch form created by phantasmagorical culinary demons and we need to unite forces, arm mercenaries, and do everything we can to abolish them from deli menus worldwide. Simple!

Oprah gets it. Make her proud. Order a sandwich for all us stuck eating complimentary wraps in a meeting, hoping the crunch of the romaine will drown out the din of our despair, pining for that magical politician who stands up for what they believe in: a wrap-free world, made beautiful by bread.

zjo

Expert writer and contributor. Passionate about sharing knowledge and insights on various topics.